how, when left to your own devices, you spend way too much time thinking?
today is one of those days.
talking with the BF — which I love to do, though it makes me miss him all the more — forced me to think about a lot of things I don’t really want to consider, things I despise about myself and about the way I act and about our history and my history. painful things, things that were no fun to experience and things that, to this day, still give me a sinking feeling inside. things that have to change.
will they change?
I’m almost too scared to answer that question. I’m afraid of committing myself to acting, thinking, feeling differently and then failing. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it, that I won’t be able to do what is necessary — nay, what is right — to move forward and be happy and all those things that I keep saying I want and never seem to grasp. I’m afraid that, if I will myself to change, something I can’t control will only swoop in and prove to me that, in fact, I can’t change. that I can’t win. that I was wrong [or right, depending] all along.
that I will never be satisfied.
it’s almost a catch-22: I can’t go on feeling and acting the way I do, and I don’t want to go on like this, but forcing myself to change makes me want to retreat into my current patterns of behavior even more. is that a catch-22? I don’t actually think it really fits the definition, but you get the idea.
I’m getting sick of talking about how things should be and how I should be happier and drop the resentment and forgive and forget … and then not changing a damn thing. it’s actually ridiculous. I wonder if I’m just too proud or stubborn to actually sit down, reflect, and adjust. no one is above doing that, I know, but somehow saying that and actually taking my own advice are light years apart for me.
no, not anymore. enough is enough, and all that cliche stuff. I’m going to actually make a change for once. not just talk about being different, not just try, but actually CHANGE. actually grow. actually make a freaking difference.
it’ll work this time. it will. I’m not going to let myself convince me differently.
and I’m not even going to apologize for this post, like usual. because it is okay for me to feel this way, and it is okay for me to write it down.